What would happen, if, just because, one replaced a word with ‘pants’
in some of the Star Wars dialogue?
We’ve got to be able to get some reading on those pants, up or down.
The pants may not look like much, kid, but they’ve got it where it counts.
I find your lack of pants disturbing.
Many Bobans died to bring us these pants.
These pants contain the ultimate power in the Universe. I suggest we use it.
Han will have those pants down. We’ve got to give him more time!
General Veers, prepare your pants for a ground assault.
I used to bulls-eye womp rats in my pants back home.
TK-421… Why aren’t you in your pants?
Lock the door. And hope they don’t have pants.
You are unwise to lower your pants.
She must have hidden the plans in her pants. Send a detachment down to retrieve them. See to it personally Commander.
Governor Tarkin. I recognized your foul pants when I was brought on board.
You look strong enough to pull the pants off a Gundark.
Luke… Help me remove these pants.
Great, Chewie, great. Always thinking with your pants.
That blast came from those pants. That thing’s operational!
Luke…..I am your pants.
A tremor in the pants. The last time I felt this was in the presence of my old master.
Don’t worry. Chewie and I have gotten into a lot of pants more heavily guarded than this.
Maybe you’d like it back in your pants, your highness.
Luke, search your pants. You know it is true.
Your pants betray you. Your feelings for them are strong. Especially one… Your sister!
Jabba doesn’t have time for smugglers who drop their pants at the first sign of an Imperial Cruiser.
Short pants is better than no pants at all.
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Things You Would Never Know Without The Movies
When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick’s Day parade – at any time of year.
All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to the waist level on the man lying beside her.
The Chief of Police will almost always suspend his star detective – or give him 48 hours to finish the job.
All grocery bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.
It’s easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone to talk you down.
The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place – noone will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building undetected.
Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned to a partner who is their polar opposite.
The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they are going to go off.
If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition, even if you haven’t been carrying any before now.
You are very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language – a German accent will do.
If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor’s first concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition.
A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
When paying for a taxi, don’t look at your wallet as you take out a bill – just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
Kitchens don’t have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning even though their husband and children never have time to eat it.
Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.
All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.
A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of RFK stadium.
Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
It is not necessary to hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations.
Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.
A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts – your enemies will patiently attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.
No-one ever involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.
Once applied, lipstick will never rub off – even while scuba diving.
You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds – unless it’s the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.
Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at the precise moment that it is aired.
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A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a work station…
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking
A day without sunshine is like, night.
A fool and his money are soon partying.
A little inaccuracy saves a lot of explanation.
A penny saved is worthless.
A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
All things being equal, fat people use more soap.
Always remember you are unique, just like everyone else.
Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm
Don’t sweat the petty things, and don’t pet the sweaty things.
Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency. I think you should write . . . A Very Good Doctor.
Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.
Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism
Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Given a 50-50 chance, you will be wrong 90% of the time.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Hermits have no peer pressure.
How terrible a movie is, is directly proportional to the number of helicopters in it.
I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older then it dawned on me . . . they were cramming for their finals.
If you had to identify, in one word, the reason the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be: “meetings.”
If you think there is good in everybody, then you haven’t met everybody.
Indecision is the key to flexibility.
It doesn’t matter what temperature a room is, it’s always room temperature.
Never wrestle with a pig. You both get dirty and the pig likes it.
No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
No one is listening until you make a mistake
Nobody is normal.
Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
One nice thing about egotists: They don’t talk about other people.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
One-seventh of our life is spent on Monday.
People who feel the need to tell you that they have an excellent sense of humour are telling you that they have no sense of humour.
People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
Remember that half the people you know are below average.
Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.
Success always occurs in private and failure in public
Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.
The careful application of terror can also be a form of communication.
The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required on it
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread
The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.
The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.
The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.
The most valuable function performed by the federal government is entertainment.
The older you get, the better you realize you were.
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it
The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up
There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is: age 11.
There is a very fine line between “hobby” and “mental illness.”
There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.
There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot..
Things are more like they are today than they ever were before.
To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.
To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles
What a nice night for an evening.
Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories…
You can observe a lot by just watching.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted and then used against you.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive
You should not confuse your career with your life.
You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason we observe Daylight Saving Time.
Your friends love you anyway.
The one thing that unites all humans, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we all believe that we are above average drivers.
At least once per year, some group of scientists will become very excited and announce that: “The universe is even bigger than they thought!” “There are even more subatomic particles than they thought!” “ Whatever they announced last year about global warming is wrong.”
The value of advertising is that it tells you the exact opposite of what the advertiser actually thinks. For example: If the advertisement says “This is not your father’s Oldsmobile,” the advertiser is desperately concerned that this Oldsmobile, like all other Oldsmobiles, appeals primarily to old farts like your father. If Coke and Pepsi spend billions to convince you that there are significant differences between these two products, both companies realize that Pepsi and Coke are virtually identical. If the advertisement strongly suggests that Nike shoes enable athletes to perform amazing feats, Nike wants you to disregard the fact that shoe brand is unrelated to athletic ability. If Budweiser runs an elaborate advertising campaign stressing the critical importance of a beer’s “born-on” date, Budweiser knows this factor has virtually nothing to do with how good a beer tastes. If an advertisement shows a group of cool, attractive youngsters getting excited and high-fiving each other because the refrigerator contains Sunny Delight, the advertiser knows that any real youngster who reacted in this way to this beverage would be considered by his peers to be the world’s biggest dipshit. And so on. On those rare occasions when advertising dares to poke fun at the product – as in the classic Volkswagen Beetle campaign, it’s because the advertiser actually thinks the product is pretty good. If a politician ever ran for president under a slogan such as “Harlan Frubert: Basically, He Wants Attention,” I would quit my job to work for his campaign.
There apparently exists, somewhere in Los Angeles, a computer that generates concepts for television sitcoms. When TV executives need a new concept, they turn on this computer; after sorting through millions of possible plot premises, it spits out, “THREE QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT,” and the executives turn this concept into a show. The next time they need an idea, the computer spits out, “SIX QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT.” Then the next time, it spits out, “FOUR QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT.” And so on. We need to locate this computer and destroy it with hammers.
They can hold all the peace talks they want, but there will never be peace in the Middle East. Billions of years from now, when Earth is hurtling toward the Sun and there is nothing left alive on the planet except a few micro-organisms, the micro-organisms living in the Middle East will be bitter enemies.
When God decides to deliver a message to humanity, he will not use, as his messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.
When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.
You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she’s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
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After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?
And whose cruel idea was it to put an “S” in the word “Lisp”?
Are people more violently opposed to fur rather than leather because it’s much easier to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs?
Are there seeing eye humans for blind dogs?
Before they invented drawing boards, what did they get back too?
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?
Did Washington just flash a quarter for his ID?
Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as “4’s”?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?
Does the little mermaid wear an algebra?
How can there be self-help groups?
How come you never hear about gruntled employees?
How do you tell if you run out of invisible ink?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?
“I am “ is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that “I do “ is the longest sentence?
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
If God dropped acid, would he see people?
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
If a man stands in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him….Is he still wrong?
If a mime is arrested do they tell him he has the right to talk?
If a mute kid swears does his mother wash his hands with soap?
If a parsley farmer is sued do they garnish his wages?
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
If an orange is orange, why isn’t a lime called a green or a lemon called a yellow?
If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?
If knees were backwards, what would chairs look like?
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn’t it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
If man evolved from apes why do we still have apes?
If most car accidents occur within five miles of home, why doesn’t everyone just move 10 miles away?
If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
If people from Poland are called “Poles,” why aren’t people from Holland called “Holes?”
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, “Quit while you’re ahead”?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide….is it considered a hostage situation?
If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff?
If the singular of GEESE is GOOSE, shouldn’t a Portuguese person be called Portugoose?
If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
If women wear a pair of pants, a pair of glasses, and a pair of earrings, why don’t they wear a pair of bras?
If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
If you throw a cat out a car window, does it become kitty litter?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon?
Is it true that cannibals won’t eat clowns because they taste funny?
Isn’t it scary that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?
What do chickens think we taste like?
What do people in China call their good plates?
What do you call a male ladybug?
What hair color do they put on the driver’s license of a bald man?
What happened to the first 6 “ups”?
What happens when none of your bees wax?
What is a “free” gift? Aren’t all gifts free?
What is the protocol if the package says, “Open somewhere else”?
What is the speed of dark?
What should you do if you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
What was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread?
What’s another word for synonym?
When cheese gets it’s picture taken, what does it say?
When dog food tastes new and improved, who tested it?
When sign makers go on strike, what is written on their picket signs?
When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
When they first invented the clock, how did they know what time it was to set it to?
When you open a new bag of cotton balls, are you supposed to throw the top one away?
When you’re sending someone Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you’re just sitting there, staring at carpeting?
Where are Preparations A through G?
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all”?
Which is the other side of the street?
Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor and planes don’t have a row 13, but book publishers aren’t afraid to have a Chapter 11?
Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It’s just stale bread to begin with.
Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
Why do psychics have to ask your name?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they worried someone will clean them?
Why do they put Braille on the drive thru bank machines?
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do . . . become Pen Pals to these men ?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
Why do we play in recitals and recite in plays?
Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn’t they be wearing night gowns?
Why do you need a driver’s license to buy liquor when you can’t drink and drive?
Why does your nose run, and your feet smell?
Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Why don’t they call mustaches “mouthbrows?”
Why don’t tomb, comb, and bomb sound alike?
Why in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
Why is ‘abbreviation’ such a long word?
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?
Why is it that when you transport something by car, it’s called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it’s called cargo?
Why is it that when you’re driving and looking for an address, you turn down the radio?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the symbol for anarchy always written the same way?
Why isn’t 11 pronounced onety one?
Why isn’t phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up a project, I end it?
Would a wingless fly be called a walk?
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A handy telephone tip: Keep a small chalkboard near the phone. That way, when a salesman calls, you can hold the receiver up to it and run your fingernails across it until he hangs up.
The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.
Always take time to stop and smell the roses… and sooner or later, you’ll inhale a bee.
Any sufficiently complicated technology is indistinguishable from bad karma.
Deja Fu: The feeling that somehow, somewhere, you’ve been kicked in the head like this before.
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me alone.
Each day I try to enjoy something from each of the four food groups: the bonbon group, the salty-snack group, the caffeine group, and the “whatever-the-thing-in-the-tinfoil-in-the-back-of-the-fridge-is” group.
Follow your dream! Unless it’s the one where you’re at work in your underwear during a fire drill.
Happiness is merely the remission of pain.
I believe for every drop of rain that falls, a flower grows. And a foundation leaks and a ball game gets rained out and a car rusts and…
I doubt, therefore I might be.
I live on a one-way dead-end street.
If a motorist cuts you off, just turn the other cheek. Nothing gets the message across like a good mooning.
If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book. COROLLARY: If you are given a take-home test, you will forget where you live.
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
If you don’t like my driving, don’t call anyone. Just take another road. That’s why the highway department made so many of them.
Into every life some rain must fall. Usually when your car windows are down.
It’s a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot.
It’s always darkest before dawn. So if you’re going to steal the neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
Just remember… You gotta break some eggs to make a real mess on the neighbor’s car!
Keep your nose to the grindstone and your shoulder to the wheel…it’s cheaper than plastic surgery.
Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, “Where the heck is the ceiling?!”
Laugh alone and the world thinks you’re an idiot.
Laugh now, but one day we’ll be in charge.
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
Law of Probability Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
Learn from your parents’ mistakes; use birth control.
Leave bad enough alone!
Lethargy in motion.
Let’s just say I don’t respond well to authority.
Life is a sexually transmitted disease.
Living well is the best revenge.
Lobotomies for Republicans? Why be redundant?
Logic is the art of going wrong with confidence.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Love is like a roller coaster: when it’s good you don’t want to get off, and when it isn’t… you can’t wait to throw up.
Mad, bad and dangerous to know — Caroline Lamb, refering to Lord Byron
Make no enemies accidentally.
Marching to a different kettle of fish.
Maybe I’ll become an evil genius and destroy the world and THEN I’ll feel better.
Meandering to a different drummer.
Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
Mental backup in progress-Do Not Disturb!
Mind like a steel trap- rusty and illegal in 37 states
Minimum wage for politicians.
Money can’t buy happiness. But it sure makes misery easier to live with.
My commitment is to truth, not consistency.
My great dream is that I’ve won all the beauty contests in the world and all the people I don’t like are forced to build me a castle in France
My life’s really not so awful–it just seems that way when I’m awake.
My mom thinks I’m at the movies.
My Reality Check bounced.
My toys! My toys! I can’t do this job without my toys!
Necrophilia: That uncontrollable urge to crack open a cold one.
Never date philosophy majors. My last girlfriend was one and she spent her time proving I didn’t exist.
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
Never raise your hands to your kids; it leaves your groin unprotected.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
Never trust a person who isn’t having at least one crisis.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
No good deed goes unpunished.
No, my powers can only be used for good.
Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There’s too much fraternizing with the enemy.
Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
Not all who wander are lost
Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come.
Nothing is foolproof because fools are so ingenious.
Nothing is so firmly believed as what is least known – Montaigne
Nothing succeeds like excess – Oscar Wilde
Now is NOT a good time to annoy me.
Oh this Age! How tasteless and ill bred it is – Gaius Valerius Catullus (Lyric Poet 87 – ?54 BCE)
Oh, evolve!
Okay, okay, I take it back! UnScrew you!
Old age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill.
On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
Our parents were never our age.
Out of Mind — Back in 5 minutes.
Paranoia is the delusion that your enemies are organized.
Paranoids are people too; they have their own problems. It’s easy to criticize, but if everybody hated you, you’d be paranoid too.
Plan A never works. Plan B almost never works. No one ever has a Plan C.
Plan to be spontaneous. Tomorrow.
Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat.
Practice random acts of intelligence & senseless acts of self-control.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? A: How many can you afford?
Quantum mechanics – the dreams stuff is made of.
Sanity is madness put to good uses – Santayana.
Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
Save the Dolphins? What did the cows do wrong?
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
Sex on television can’t hurt you unless you fall off.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
Smile and the world smiles with you. Frown and you get credit for thinking.
Smile, it’s the second best thing you can do with your lips.
Smile. It confuses People.
So many fools, so few comets.
So much to do. So few people to do it for me.
Some drink from the fountain of knowledge. She only gargled.
Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
Some things are sacred–I haven’t taken them apart yet.
Some times the only solution is to find a new problem.
Some would sooner die than think. In fact, they often do – Bertrand Russell
Someday, we’ll look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject.
Sometimes the truth can be so unnecessary.
Sounds like a personal problem to me.
Stand Back! I have a brain and I’m not afraid to use it.
Strange notions? I got your strange notions right here.
Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven’t fallen asleep yet.
Suburbia: Where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have
Take my advice. I’m not using it.
Tell me what you need, and I’ll tell you how to get along without it.
Thank you for not trying to raise my consciousness.
Thank you for your gift of sarcasm. I will treasure it always.
That was before … now you’re dealing with Me.
That which does not kill me had better be able to run away damn fast.
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.
The best defense is a strong offense, and I intend to start offending right now.
The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits.
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
The early bird still has to eat the worms.
The empty vessel makes the greatest sound – Anonymous
The face is familiar but I can’t quite remember my name.
The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean you’re an artist.
The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.
The future isn’t what it used to be – Yogi Berra
The greatest political concept of the twentieth century is that of Stalinist Communism. People ask me why, and I shoot them. Pretty basic concept.
The light at the end of the tunnel may be a NO EXIT sign.
The lunatic fringe begins here.
The meek are getting ready…
The more things change, the more they remain insane.
The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.
The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.
The obscure we see immediately, the completely apparent takes longer.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you’re in the bathroom.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.
The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt. – Bertrand Russell
The trouble with you is that you’re alive
The truth of this checking account is mysterious, awkward and sad. More Transactions? Y/N?
The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
The windmills are winning.
There are times that try men’s souls, like after eating at a Mexican restaurant.
There are two rules for ultimate success in life. 1. Never tell everything you know.
There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
There you go again, thinking you have rights.
There’s a door not 10 feet away. It is a fine invention, I suggest you use it.
There’s a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore like an idiot.
Think of it as evolution in action.
This is a nightmare and I’m going to wake up, right?
This is as bad as it can get. But don’t bet on it.
This isn’t denial. I’m just very selective about which reality I accept.
This isn’t hell. This is where you get sent when you’ve been bad in hell.
This land is your land. This land is my land. So stay on your land.
This morning I woke up to the unmistakable scent of pigs in a blanket. That’s the price you pay for letting the relatives stay over.
This person is a natural product. The slight variations in color and texture enhance its individual character and beauty and in no way are to be considered flaws or defects.
This would be really funny if it weren’t happening to me.
Those of you who think you know everything are very annoying to those of us who do.
Those who abandon their dreams will discourage yours.
Three correct guesses in a row and you qualify to be an expert.
Time is supposed to keep everything from happening at once — it’s not working.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
To succeed in the world it is not enough to be stupid, you must also be well-mannered – Voltaire
Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
Too much of a good thing can be wonderful – Mae West
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can’t find them.
Vuja De’: the strange feeling you get that nothing has happened before.
Warning! This organism suffers from dangerous mood swings.
Warning! Whimsical when bored
Warning: You have entered a Tact Free Zone.
We all have faults. Mine is being wicked.
We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.
We are not amused.
We have enough youth, how about a fountain of smart?
We have only two things to worry about — either that things will never get back to normal, or that they already have.
Welcome back to square one.
Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
We’re all mad here.
What a long, strange trip it’s been.
What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
What color is the sky in your world?
What could possible go wrong?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
What’s another word for Thesaurus?
When I was young, we didn’t have MTV. We had to take drugs and go to rock concerts.
When I’m feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor’s dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
When they hit rock bottom, Some people will climb out. The others will begin to dig.
When you find yourself getting irritated with someone, try to remember that all men are brothers… and just give them a noogie or an Indian burn.
Where there’s a will…I want to be on it.
Whisper my favorite words: “I’ll buy it for you.”
Who are the grateful dead and why do they keep following me?
Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom?
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disc?
Who me? I just wander from room to room.
Why be difficult when with a bit of effort you can be impossible?
Why do people with so few clues have so much time?
With friends like these, who need hallucinations?
Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
You are here and this is the highlight of your day.
You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time–that should be enough for most purposes.
You can’t fall off the floor.
You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?
You get what you settle for.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
You shall know the truth and the truth shall make you odd.
You should see the ones we don’t let out in public.
Your first mistake was trusting the people who sent you here.
Your kid may be an honor student, but you’re still an idiot.
Your silliness has been noted.
You’re just jealous because the voices are talking to me.
You’re only young once–after that you need another excuse.
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In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II, will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories (excepting Kansas, which she does not fancy).
Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up “revocation” in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up “aluminium,” and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as ‘colour’, ‘favour’ and ‘neighbour.’ Likewise, you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ without skipping half the letters, and the suffix “ize” will be replaced by the suffix “ise.” You will learn that the suffix ‘burgh’ is pronounced ‘burra’; you may elect to respell Pittsburgh as ‘Pittsberg’ if you find you simply can’t cope with correct pronunciation. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels (look up “vocabulary”). Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as “like” and “you know” is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.
2. There is no such thing as “US English.” We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter ‘u’ and the elimination of “-ize.”
3. You will relearn your original national anthem, “God Save The Queen”, but only after fully carrying out Task #1 (see above).
4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but to be celebrated only in England. It will be called “Come-Uppance Day.”
5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you’re not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you’re not grown up enough to handle a gun.
6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect.At the same time, you will go metric immediately and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
8. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling “gasoline”) -roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.
9. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called “crisps.” Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with mayonnaise but with vinegar.
10. Waiters and waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.
11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as “beer,” and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as “Lager.” American brands will be referred to as “Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine,” so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in “Four Weddings and a Funeral” was an experience akin to having one’s ears removed with a cheese grater.
13. You will cease playing American “football.” There is only one kind of proper football; you call it “soccer.” Those of you brave enough will, in time, will be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American “football”, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the “World Series” for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.
14. You must tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us mad.
15. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due backdated to 1776.
posted by Froglet at
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